Days when you really do feel “disabled”
So for all my fellow chronic illness peeps out there, I don’t know about you, but I try not to dwell too much on the fact that I am technically classed as “disabled”. Of course it is incredibly useful sometimes, in proving that, yes, I DO in fact need that parking spot, angry lady at Sainsbury’s, but thank you for your vigilance about my potential dishonesty. Or, in providing me with financial or medical support that would otherwise be nearly impossible to receive. Aside from these benefits, it doesn’t really have a big part of my day to day life; in an attempt to not identify too much as “less than capable” during my recovery journey, it becomes little more than a joke between myself and my loved ones.
“Hey babe, could you make me a cup of tea please, I am disabled, soo ”
But this weekend, I am having one of those not so fun times when you suddenly realise why that term truly does apply to you. Unlike a bad day, or a flare up that knocks you sideways, this is more insidious. It’s crept up on me like the world’s most useless ninja, sapping my energy and slowing my system, till I woke up this morning as if a truck had hit me. I mean that literally, I fell back down into my bed after sitting up . It is quietly horrific to appear normal on the outside, even to yourself, whilst your body weeps inwardly as you try to complete tasks that last week were not just achievable, but enjoyable!
I know this feeling will be familiar to all of you in a similar position. When all the sleep in the world still leaves you feeling grubby and groggy, when nourishing meals all taste like cardboard on your tongue. When all you can do is wrap yourself in a soft blanket, dim the lights, and pray for a normal bowel movement, or an effective painkiller. (whoops just gave away my sexy plan for the day ) I guess sometimes on the road to recovery, it is necessary to distance ourselves from the most disabling moments. How could we possibly function if this is how we identified at all times?! I know I certainly couldn’t. But today I think I might just channel my inner Roy, and declare to the world that I am in fact, Disabled. No quotations.